Sparkles

Mommy Issue #247

Your nails always look like shit.

Now that I’m on maternity leave from a job in hospitality where painted or false nails are a no-no (because no one wants “blizzard blue” nailpolish in their latte), I was super excited to take advantage of my year long opportunity to bedazzle the crap out of my nails.

Jokes on me.

After changing countless poopy diapers, washing bottles, and battling vacuum attachments (aka swords of death) from toddlers it looks like my nails have had a visit with a wood chipper. I’ve considered getting acrylic or gel nails done but I’m slightly nervous I might accidently claw my newborns face off while trying to give him his soother.

Poop.

Plus, if Abigail gets her mitts on nailpolish (no matter how high up or hidden it is) she goes to town. She tried to repaint our bathroom one day when Daddy was watching them and was busy feeding the baby. She also had “alligator green” nailpolish plastered all over her hands and arms for two days before I finally scrubbed it all off.

In her defense, I think the lack of nail polish co-ordination, or lack of co-ordination in general in genetic. When I was about 11ish I decided I was going to paint my nails with this super sparkly purple nailpolish. I managed to paint it on with no issues, but when I was “drying” my nails by flapping my hands around like a deranged bird, a delightful fleck of nailpolish-sparkle combo flew directly into my eyeball.

My screaming woke my mother up who was asleep in the couch. (Pretty sure the love of sleep is genetic too).

After she helped rinse my poor eyeball out, I’m pretty sure she laughed at me.

Due to the Jade and eyeball related nature of this blog post I feel obligated to also mention the time I got smoldering hot cheese in my eye when I bit into a cheese doggie at dinner. I figured my family would bring it up at some point anyway.

They all laughed at me then too.

In fact, everytime that cheese doggie story is mentioned, they still laugh at me.

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